Here is a quick list of do’s and dont’s, simple barroom etiquette. Everyone should have a grasp of these rules before they step foot in a bar and attempt to engage in a monetary transaction with the bartender.

Let’s start with the dont’s:

DON’T:

1. Ask the bartender to explain her tattoos. Do not ask her if they hurt, where she got them done or the meaning behind them.
2. Propose.
3. Order one red headed slut, one lemon drop, one liquid cocaine, one sex on the beach, one kamakazie…..
4. Ramble on about your recent break up. And for godsake, don’t cry.
5. Give her $5.00 for a $4.50 beer (that she grabbed at the speed of lightening, literally) and then walk away.
6. Ask her to put a ridiculous penis straws in your drinks.
7. Come to the bar every weekend and tell the barmaid (with a condescending tone) that you would like a “margarita, straight up, with salt”… like she is an idiot and can’t remember your stupid drink that you have been ordering every saturday for the past year.
8. Order countess glasses of (free) water with out giving her a tip. Yes, its free, but it takes as much time to pour as any other drink..you idiot.

Now for the do’s:

DO:

1. Leave the bar, go to the arcade across the street, and win the barmaid a bunch of things from the claw machine. Specifically: stuffed alligators and a ballerina necklace. Humor her when she starts to ramble about the episode of Futurama when Bender loses the spaceship keys in the claw machine game (when they are at the amusement park on the moon).
2. Make it rain.
3. Tell her that today is ‘the best day of you life’ …when she asks how you are doing.
4. Smile.
5. Order Jameson. And insist that she take one with you.
6. Be nice.