how to interact with your bartender
Here is a quick list of do’s and dont’s, simple barroom etiquette. Everyone should have a grasp of these rules before they step foot in a bar and attempt to engage in a monetary transaction with the bartender.
Let’s start with the dont’s:
DON’T:
- Ask the bartender to explain her tattoos. Do not ask her if they hurt, where she got them done or the meaning behind them.
- Propose.
- Order one red headed slut, one lemon drop, one liquid cocaine, one sex on the beach, one kamakazie…..
- Ramble on about your recent break up. And for godsake, don’t cry.
- Give her $5.00 for a $4.50 beer (that she grabbed at the speed of lightening, literally) and then walk away.
- Ask her to put a ridiculous penis straws in your drinks.
- Come to the bar every weekend and tell the barmaid (with a condescending tone) that you would like a “margarita, straight up, with salt”… like she is an idiot and can’t remember your stupid drink that you have been ordering every saturday for the past year.
- Order countess glasses of (free) water with out giving her a tip. Yes, its free, but it takes as much time to pour as any other drink..you idiot.
Now for the do’s:
DO:
- Leave the bar, go to the arcade across the street, and win the barmaid a bunch of things from the claw machine. Specifically: stuffed alligators and a ballerina necklace. Humor her when she starts to ramble about the episode of Futurama when Bender loses the spaceship keys in the claw machine game (when they are at the amusement park on the moon).
- Make it rain.
- Tell her that today is ‘the best day of you life’ …when she asks how you are doing.
- Smile.
- Order Jameson. And insist that she take one with you.
- Be nice.
Though venues differ, the rules remain the same. Inspired by your tacit list of bar room commandments, I wrote some of my own.
DON’T:
1. Ask for something special, good, or strong. Everything I make is special. Good is a relative term; taste is highly specific. And the assumption I will stiff you on the count means you are receiving a weaker drink.
2. Assume I set the prices. Don’t stiff me because you agreed to pay $45 for a shot of Johnny Blue and then balk at the bill. If you ask for a double you will be charged for TWO drinks. Ordering a tall just gets you more ice and mixer.
3. Ask for a surprise because you will get a Bud Light with a cherry, which I’m sure is not what you mean.
4. Expect me to interject, intercede or get involved in any way in the fight you are having with your spouse, partner, sibling, or child. If you’re going to bring bad vibes out to dinner, move to a remote table.
5. Apologize for being drunk, especially if you are not offending someone else or embarrassing yourself. Drunkenness is the reason why you and I are at the bar. If you are inebriated then we both succeeded.
6. Over-flirt or molest me in front of your husband/boyfriend unless you’re paying the tab. If he’s footing the bill wait until he heads to the bathroom or bed (especially you, Ear Fetish Lady).
7. Ask me when your food will be ready or why something on the other side of town is happening. I lack the skill of astral projection and can only run circles within a rectangle. All current information I have is hearsay.
8. Say you “hated it” as I clear your licked clean plates. No need to be glib about enjoying a meal.
9. Ask me to choose who will pay the full tab as you and your buddy come to elbows while thrusting your debit cards at me. I will have no choice but to go King Solomon on you: he pays the tab and you pay the exact same amount as tip.
10. DO NOT EVER call me “boy” or snap your fingers at me or you will be left only with the dull echo of being an asshole. And thirstiness.
[more to follow, but got to go to work]